need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
