filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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