I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
