I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
