i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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