The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
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He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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