mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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