well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
