the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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