she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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