everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I looked at my own cervix.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
