Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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