I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
