I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
