those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
