Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
