Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
that is very illegal...i love you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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