Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
