Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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