Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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