I think I died a long time ago.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
