My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
