Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
