I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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