If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
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So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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