I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
