the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I think i got beer on your cat.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
