I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
