Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
