I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
