nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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