Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
