I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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