Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
