I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
