Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
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