I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I am available for nakedness
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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