genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
