Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
