I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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