Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
