So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
