I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
