I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
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My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
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We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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