i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
