just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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