Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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