Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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