Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
