1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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