Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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