I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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