i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
